Here it is, the problem is 'here it is', ok now I have no clue to what I am talking about. First of all, there are loads of things ogling on my minds and nah I am not stressing over them, I am cool. I am just confused. Ya know, as a thinker, I think of everything. I think of 'What if', 'How come', 'How could', 'But..', 'Thereafter', 'No,...' etc etc etc. I can be a paranoia, a paranoia in the making. Ok, I am freaking out now ;p

Anyway, Here's the thing: (perhaps they are my wishes, my dying wishes huahuauaa)
- I don't like the way I see the world today. It's not perfect, though nothing is! (I should have known that better, even since I popped out in this world!). I would love to see some changes but I don't and I can't influence the lots in the world. Ok, over dramatic, then I have to start changing my life.

- To start changing my life, better start from the way I think of my life and my self-worth. As far as I know, I have changed a lot, I changed to be who I am today because of one person. I don't even know if I have to say "thanks" with the big grin plastered on my face or do I have to say "bloody bastard, you changed me!" Ok, not exactly the sentence I will say out loud to someone ;). There is some good to the change but ya know, outback never ceased out.

- Because I am a half-new person, I don't view marriage as an option. In fact, I have a commitment phobia (I need to find a phrase to describe it, recheck the dictionary). Ok, to make it simple, I don't want to get hitch anytime sooner! I love my freedom (too much) and I still love to hang-out with some peers.

- Due to the fact that I am having a phobia, meaning I will grow old and die as a deserted person (ok I am bit over exageratting the terms). I have and I cannot place a picture of me kneeling down in front of the altar and giving my vows for life. Marriage is a beautiful thing, don't get me wrong, in fact I have obsession over wedding gowns (no, I have not designed my fantasy wedding gown or whatsoever though I can imagine the theme to it --> that's weird!). I do want to settle down one day but the problem is, I don't know when is that 'one day' for me. 'Cos I keep repeating what I say in the past 3 years, 'one day', and that 'one day' can be next year, next 2 years or even next 10 years (gulp! I hope not!).

- I still want to travel the world, venturing the world and savoring everything. Seeing the world from diff. prespective point of view and yeah, I must admit, running away from the old life? Ok yeah, perhaps. I still want to laugh, to get my head light and to terrorize the town! huahauhaua ok, put it simple, I still want my freedom.

Now, it seems that all of the above are simple matters. Well to me, is rather complicated. The more I listen to what my heart tells me, the more I become lost. What can I do now? I want to call for help, well I have done so (phone a friend). Another option to do 50-50 which I did so. Last resort, ask the audience. I have not done so 'cos I am not to0 sure the audience will listen and care to my problems.

Oh my, I don't know what life is all about until I reach my silver year. Now, I no longer wonder to why you get wrinkled when you get older, here it is, dealing with the world!

I have 20 days to go before closing the chapter of 2005. I will stop thinking for 20 days and let my minds rest. Oh no, my time is up (See?My minds bugs me!)

P.S: It seems I have over-used the word "ok" today...pardon me, ok?