Here I am, sitting in my parents' balcony, looking @ the scenery outside and doing what I am not supposed to do. From here, I can see this one spot I have always admired. It's a big landscape, very green and so peaceful. How I wish I were that landscape, it's alright if people do not take a notice of me being a landscape but it's better than what I am today.

First thing that I can say here is that I grow tired of my life. I am tired being misjudges by people surround me, tired of what I have become that is a big FAILURE! That's right, I am one of the good example failure. I feel my life is worthless. I'm tired that all my ambitions have been killed off by the lack of supports from people I trust and I thought who would support me no matter what.

I've never taken a fortune teller's words for real until this one has been proven to be right. I remembered what he mentioned to me last year which surely I didn't think it was true back then. This what he told me, "Surely, I cannot see any jobs that will fit for you as your main drawback is your parents. They are not allowing you to work, as simple as that. Whatever you do is fruitless."

Now, come to think of it, years ago, I wanted to set up a business of my own, a wedding planner. It looked as if I would get the support, only that my parents told me to wait after my brother's business to be developed. I waited and waited. Then, I realised another business plan that might did some good to Surabaya, a fashion magazine. I saw it as one of a big opportunity there. I didn't get the support for that (now it's booming and I wasn't wrong to predict that years before). I must say my brother's business didn't go as he had planned. I don't want to declare him as a failure when he doesn't do that on his own. Failing is not wrong, it is a way to learn to be more creative in business and it is not easy. He just doesn't work as hard as I have expected all of these years. I wish he would set a better example as he's the leader (my mom often says that). And surprisingly, he blamed his lack of spirit for working towards me apart from my dad. Saying that I didn't work hard enough, I didn't learn well enough, I was always late for work and I didn't understand about the scope of the job well. If only he knew, how many times I missed my weekends whenever he's not around 'cos I got off from work at 9pm instead of the usual 5pm, how I woke up at 6am to prepare things, how I went to the "samsat" and I was the only chinese girl and those people shouted racist abused and verbally abused me, how I went from all women magazines to those car magazines and how everytime I meet my guy friends, I am trying to keep my information up to date about the latest cars and so on...how I am trying to persuade my friends to be the clients. If only he knew and appreciated me just a bit rather than making me as the blacksheep of the business.

Anyway I am not discussing about his business or particulary him here. I just want people to understand that I did try to fix things in life but I grew tired when all my roads were blocked away. It's painful to be asked by people, "You are not working, are you?" and adding insult to the injury, some even goes by "Don't you think it's sad that you hold a degree and can't get a job?" I used to say proudly that "I am working for my brother!" But nowdays, since people regard that as a 'leisure time to do rather than just sleeping at home' and not as proud as I was + I found out that I am like a tumour my bro perhaps wish to remove me just doesn't dare to do so, my answer has turned into,

"Yeah I don't work. Isn't it great?"
Then goes to the next question, "So what do you usually do?"

"What I do for living is shopping, fishing out some good guys around and hoping that along the way my prince will come and rescues me from this dreadful life I am in."