What makes the diff is the problems everybody is facing are diff. Surprisingly, every humans always think that their problems are the worst among other people who suffer from different problems. Like myself for an example, I keep saying that a friend of mine is luckier, at least her problem is not as bad as mine. She can at least do this and that without having to think what it might do to her or the others whilst I can't. On the other hand, she thinks that her problem is even worst than anyone can imagine, she just can't deal with her problems anymore. It keeps going on and on like that. Whenever you share your problems with someone, sometime what the listeners think inside is "That's quite alright comparing to my own problems."

I probably keep thinking to why I have to deal with unnecessary problems all my life. I do at one point think I might not survive due to the exhaustion in tackling all my problems. At another time, I say I have enough and I don't want to know what is there tomorrow. You can call me self-centered bitch for all I care, but I have to say, I have not met someone who has to deal with every issues that happens every day in a week like me. I am not saying that other people don't have their problems, they do but they don't encounter problems as often as I do in life. I can go smilling for a day to 3, and the 4th day I will start frowning due to the bad news I received or the problems that I encounter on the 4th day. When I see my sis, she's like the happiest person on earth. She smiles more than she knows how to cry. I said this to her one day:
"I am envious with your life. Though, no life is perfect, it seems yours is the almost perfect life I see. You smile for 29 days and only look a bit down for 2 days in a month. You are like a sunshine that shines day and night. I am not like you. I am just the opposite. Though, no life can be said perfect, mine does not even come to almost perfect. I smile for 2-4 days and looking sad, troubled, gloomy for 27-29 days in a month. I even sometime forget how to smile and crying is a daily dosis for me. I am like someone who is drowning in the sea and trying to swim back to the shore. Sometime I nearly die from drowning but other times, I manage to keep my head afloat to breathe. Why can't I be happier a bit or even enjoying my life like others do?"

It's quite easy, isn't it to be said than done? I, sometime, take a time on my own to be in my room alone and usually @ night, I will start asking and raise the questions to God, why this why that how this how that and so on. Of course, I don't get the answers, not straight away. Though, I have best friends but I cannot share every single stories with them, can I? I don't want to burden them with my problems. I rather reserved them for myself. I do sometime write my problems in a piece of paper, just trying to get them outta my head and at certain time it helps a lot. Another method I try is to cry. Although, crying often being considered sissy thing to do, but after having a good cry, I will feel better. It's like getting all the emotions out. I don't care if the next day my eyes look swollen and puffy as long as my heart feels lighter a bit. Like the past few weeks, when everybody was fast asleep, I often sat down in the working room and let out a silent cry. Sometime I would go online, hoping I would see someone I knew online and just chatted few words with them, trying to kill the problems by forgetting them.

You see, I am doing my best to always look at the brighter side than to see the dark. I am trying my best to leave the problems behind and to smile more. But, deep down in my heart, everything is still aching. Everything is still as bad as usual. My heart cries even more when I smile. Why do I always see it that my problems are greater than the others? Whilst in realisation, other people suffer even more from their problems and yet they are still blessed. I am perhaps contradicting myself. I am perhaps overdramatic things and situations. I used to ask myself, what is the purpose of life? now I know the answer, the purpose of life is to find happiness because without happiness, life is meaningless. There is this sentence that is quoted from someone (I don't remember the name), it says: A person can be called successful when he/she has been down, in trouble, beaten up and in debt, yet he/she can rise again, resolve the problems, settle the debt and still alive.

I need to re-new my faith and re-evaluate my life. Perhaps then I can find my own happiness and for once think that life is not meaningless.